you deserve a break

 Friends often point out my resilience in difficult situations, with a lot of them questioning how I can brush things off so easily and then dart towards the next challenge with no hesitation. What’s interesting is that I've praised myself a lot for this elasticity. I act like Freddie Mercury made a supersonic woman out of me and pinned this badge of invincibility onto my chest himself. Maybe you know what I mean. There’s something alluring about being indifferent towards hardship and just continuing on with life. But I don’t think that it’s as cool in practice as it is in theory.

 Have you ever heard of toxic positivity? Where people try to exercise positivity so much that they start to invalidate their own negative feelings? I kept telling myself that with each hardship that I had undergone, I was becoming emotionally stronger. Like I was going to get to 50 years old and be this untouchable, really wise, many-stories-to-tell type woman. With this mindset, I was starting to be weirdly grateful for all the ways in which I was being tested. “Bring it on, it’s strengthening me for the future!” And although I think that there is some truth to this mentality, its weight on my perspective was getting to be fairly large, and fairly toxic. Ultimately, I didn’t want to take any breaks or let myself breathe. I was also inviting really chaotic and unhealthy factors into my space. I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of taking on all of the most difficult things because then I could and would be the strongest version of myself in the end.

 But I inevitably started to notice things about myself that weren’t so great. Like, I felt exhausted to the point that I physically and mentally could not participate in day to day activities. I no longer wanted to put effort towards my social circles. I had lost my desire for creative expression—my desire to write, to sing in the shower, to shop for cute clothes. I was growing bitter towards the world as a whole, wondering why it was hurling me a steady onslaught of life-altering blows. “I can’t catch a break,” played in my mind and aloud to my loved ones on an endless loop.

 You would think that I already learned my lesson when I felt similarly in Los Angeles during my post-graduation burnout phase. Instead, I leaped straight from that situation into Colorado for my homesick and overworked burnout phase. This leap really demonstrates my belief that the solution to going through tough times is to push through and not stop.

 Thankfully, something happened that changed my life and thought patterns for the better. I watched this video on Youtube by HINDZ. He talks about how he too was at a place in life where he noticed that bad things and hard times wouldn’t let up. He too felt like there was a higher power testing how strong he could be. But when he kept displaying strength in these tests, the hard times only continued to get worse. Sound familiar?!

 But HINDZ then realized that displaying strength wasn’t the answer. He instead concluded that a higher power sometimes offers people hard times to let them know that they need to take a break, and if those people continue to resist doing so, the message will only grow stronger. When he said this, I cried on the spot. I was so moved because I felt like an undeniable truth had been revealed to me.

 I realized that it was time to let go of the “survival mode” mindset that HINDZ addresses–this fear that if I set something down, even if it is weighing heavily on my soul, then I will be doomed for failure. I think that this way of thinking was born out of how I went through my life. From my childhood all through college, I was exposed to the idea that in order to be “successful” in life, I had to constantly work really hard and make many sacrifices. The thing is, I am arguably successful at this moment right now. I think that everyone is. We all accomplish many things every single day. However, without rest, it’s hard for us to rejoice in these achievements and recognize how far we have truly come. Without rest, it's hard for us to recognize that we are no longer standing in the place from which we once fought so hard to remove ourselves.

 We can now take the time to turn around, catch our breath, and soak in all of our progress despite not yet being at the top of the mountain. This moment does not mean that we will fall all the way back down to the start. There is solid earth beneath us that we spent time and effort working towards that will hold us up while we take a much needed break.

 On the same day that I watched HINDZ’s video, I ended my employment at the studio that I had been teaching at for two years. I already knew that the position was no longer serving me in any meaningful way. It felt like the perfect place to begin taking things off of my plate. I then started to remove people from my life that were admittedly not great to have around. Later on, I even ended up canceling my trip to LA (the best place ever lol) because I was honest with myself about the fact that it would have taken a huge toll on my being–emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

 Also, since deciding to dedicate some time to myself, I have been offered opportunities like teaching pilates at a locally-owned studio and taking on a new leadership role in my software position. But taking a break is not only about removing things that are taxing; it’s also about continuing to build boundaries and saying, “no,” to things that truly do not speak to a greater purpose. Therefore, I will not be pursuing any opportunities unless I feel a deep sense of connection to it, or if my spirit is truly calling out for it.

 I have started to prioritize my peace and allow myself to heal from everything that has taken place in the past few years. I am finally stopping and letting myself recover. Heck, I might even set up a campfire and pitch a tent for the night! I mean, I really like the view from where I am right now anyway. And even though I’ve only been practicing this way of life for about a month, I already feel rejuvenated from the inside out. I am a magnet for all things, good and bad, but now I make purposeful decisions about which of those things I am willing to welcome into my life.

 Wherever you are today, I encourage you to think about where in your life you can maybe unload something that is not serving you. Be so brutally honest with yourself because what they say about “one door closing, and another opening” is entirely true. There are so many invaluable rewards in your future for channeling the power to release what is not meant for you, with one of the greatest of them being clarity.

 Don’t forget that you are worth the work, and you are also worth the breaks. Thanks for tuning in and I will see you all later! :)