"um, lyv, why are you in colorado?"

If you know me or have been paying any attention to my socials lately, you know that I now live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. And maybe you’re asking yourself, “But why?” Long story short, I graduated from USC and got a job here. I’ve never been one to tell a short story though, so let’s get into it.

It was July of 2022 and I was experiencing a strong case of post-college sadness. Maybe you know what I mean. I’m talking about those dark rain clouds that build up over your head as soon as you remove your graduation cap. The ones that drench you in that big question, “Now what?”

While undergoing this sadness, I was still living in Hollywood as a hot yoga sculpt instructor, teaching about 8-10 classes a week. For context, yoga sculpt is a yoga flow that incorporates weight lifting and cardio–basically an hour long full-body workout in a heated room.

I was living in my favorite city and getting to teach yoga with a college graduation under my belt. But yet, I couldn’t help but feel like I was disappointing myself for “cruising by” and not putting in the effort to make use of my new computer science degree.

In yoga class, I was leading others through mindfulness and empowerment. It was pretty ironic because outside of the studio, I was only existing within a cocoon of blankets in my room, unable to function because of my mental state. Let alone putting in the energy to job hunt.

Of course yoga is my passion, but I was also becoming exhausted from the physical demand of teaching in 100 degree studios for hours every day. I was drinking a surplus of water and Pedialyte, but I still couldn’t keep my hydration up. And don’t even get me started on the malnourishment that came with having a plant-based diet in addition to lack of appetite because I was just that sad. And somehow, even after exerting myself so much, I was still barely making enough money to survive. I knew that this lifestyle was unsustainable.

But I couldn’t go home to live with my mom because for some reason, I thought that returning home as an adult was embarrassing. I was burning myself out and hurdling down towards my lowest point just to avoid being seen as a failure and admitting that maybe I didn’t have it all figured out.

When I finally hit my breaking point in California, I called home and confessed that I needed to make my way back to Ohio. My mom was extremely supportive of me through the process and I realized how silly I had been to assume that she’d be disappointed in me. It was funny because she actually admitted that she had been tempted to ask me to come home for so long, but because of my happy facade, she didn’t want to interfere.

When I returned to Ohio, I was still undergoing a great deal of sadness. I applied for a lot of software positions there. As I got rejected from job after job, I began to feel all of the imposter syndrome that I had undergone in college accumulate into one loud voice. It was telling me that I wasn’t qualified enough to have an industry position.

I was losing hope when I finally heard back from a recruiter, “Would you be open to a position in Colorado?”

She sent my resume throughout her company and a software team in Colorado took an interest in me. From there, I interviewed for the spot and got offered the job.

Just like that, all of my rain clouds were gone and I finally felt like myself again.

It’s definitely not talked about enough, but feelings of worthlessness can creep up so easily in the time between graduation and finding a job. There is no other experience quite as aggressive and competitive as job hunting. It’s just one of those things where people like to pretend that they’ve got it handled when they really feel like a fraud.

I wanted to write this post because I know that not many people graduate with a job lined up and I wanted to shout out, “That’s alright!” If you are currently in this position, you are going to be okay. It can be so discouraging to be rejected over and over again, but your career really will make its way to you. And even though you don’t hear people talking about their experiences, you are absolutely not alone. It is completely normal. And while you’re waiting for your opportunity, just remember that your self-worth is not defined by what you can contribute to society in exchange for money. It is defined by you.

That is all I have for today, so thank you once again for tuning in and I will see you all next week!<3