naughty or nice: is my kindness era worth it?

When I first started dating in college, I got into a lot of situationships, and I couldn't understand why the men were so disrespectful. I would crave more affection and commitment than they had to offer and frankly, it was embarrassing at the time. Unfortunately because of this dynamic, I struggled with keeping my self-esteem high, always on the lookout for validation.

Soon after, I stumbled across bad b*itch anthems and TikToks talking about how love is dumb and money is the only real meaningful goal.

I ingested an intoxicating amount of media telling me that in order to respect myself and foster my own self-worth, I had to be unkind. Like only taking pictures of my date from his neck down at dinner so that nobody knows who he is. Or only exploiting sexual relationships for money and fancy things while I have a “roster” of other men waiting for me. Or not doing dorky romcom things with the men I dated that I would have otherwise enjoyed.

With internalizing these ideas, I felt like I had finally discovered the answer to my success–to not care about love or respect anymore. As I drove away from meaningless hookups with no expectation from them or myself, I unlocked my power, leaving my self-esteem unaltered.

Although it was scary how out of touch I had become with my emotions, I still secretly admired it. It was as if no one could hurt me, and no one ever did. But as everyone knows, there is no yang without yin. After this phase of callousness, I began to notice that when men–or anyone–would give me their affection, I felt nothing.

There is a phenomenon brewing within today's world of people overcome by this "numbness" that they can’t explain. Some attribute it to the Internet, some to mental health, some to quarantine. I'd argue that it's all of the above.

However, there is another explanation that I think is really important to address within today’s dating culture, and that is this new age of romanticizing heartlessness. I referred to it earlier, but yes, I am talking about being a bad b*tch.

Maybe it’s just me, but this societal glorification of suppressing emotions has made it extremely difficult to be vulnerable in dating. It’s heartbreaking to go through this knowing that vulnerability is a must for building any relationship beyond surface value.

For a while I have wanted to break free from this lifestyle of numbness, and let myself feel everything; good and bad. I have now realized that the only sunshine to melt my cold heart is kindness (ugh, so cheesy, I know). I decided to start being kind to literally anyone and everyone, even if it meant risking my own pain in the process.

I heard this quote recently, “Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. After all the misguided warriors destroy each other, the open-hearted will inherit the earth.” -Jeff Brown in Hearticulations

There is something amazing in being knocked down, and not only getting up, but smiling through it all. I have found a new power, and that is not letting my self-worth waver in the face of external forces. When you have that–when you are secure in yourself–it doesn’t really matter what others do to you. I know this answer is like duh, but it genuinely took me a while to really trust it.

And even now that I have this trust, I have still struggled to implement this new mindset because it’s a big change. For instance, I recently came out of a relationship with someone who reminded me of what it was like to receive and feel love. Since then, I have had a hard time with choosing complete heartbreak over even a small amount of numbness. It has been very tempting to stifle down the ache, but instead, I have let myself cry and hurt and feel. And although there are still remnants of pain, I can see now that the only way out is through.

If anything I wrote resonates at all with you, I highly recommend choosing kindness! It’s no fun to drink away problems or pretend that they aren’t there because until you sit through them, they will always find a way to pop up in microdoses. Rip that bandaid off! And also, leave situations that are snowballing more pain because it will be a bigger bandaid later! It’s a beautiful thing to choose kindness and hardship over stone and complacency. You will truly be stronger on the other side.

Also, Selena and Hailey? Black Panther: Wakanda Forever? Hello???? Unconditional kindness and understanding is totally a thing right now, and it will look so good on you, I promise.

Once again, as always, thanks for tuning in and I’ll see you all next week<3